the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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