Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
