I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Congratulations! We have a period
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
