I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
