On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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