Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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