I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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