So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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