I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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