I want you more than these girls want KFC
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
