I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize