Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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