Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
