Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
