turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
