I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
