I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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