So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
