People with herpes should wear stickers.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
