I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
