I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize