I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
How does it feel to date your dad?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
