I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
