Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
