she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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