Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
