So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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