I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
