So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
