My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Randomize
