If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
