genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
