my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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