I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
