if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
