thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize