My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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