Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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