Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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