Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I need to stop coming to work sober
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
