Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I am available for nakedness
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
