Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i may or may not be watching the land before time
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
