you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
