You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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