everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
