i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
