she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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