As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
