and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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