based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
