She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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