Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize