My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
