I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
