Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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