i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
