I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
