Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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