i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize